Putting AppleScript functions or procedures in Excel worksheet cells

Yes, I realize you cannot do what the subject stipulates. However, given that very unfortunate fact, I have constructed the usual:

on open theFiles
	if ((count of theFiles) > 1) then
		display dialog "Drop only one Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet on me!" with icon stop ¬
			buttons {"OK"} default button "OK"
		set theWorkbook to item 1 of theFiles
		set fileCreator to file creator of (info for theWorkbook)
		set fileType to file type of (info for theWorkbook)
		if (fileCreator is not equal to "XCEL" or fileType does not contain "XLS") then
			display dialog "Drop only a Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet on me!" with icon stop ¬
				buttons {"OK"} default button "OK"
		end if
	end if
end open

on quit	
	continue quit
end quit

Nothing unusual there … what I am looking for is the calculateWorksheet(theWorkbook) procedure in which I currently have the following:

on calculateWorksheet(theWorkbook)
	my getWorkbook(theWorkbook) -- opens theWorkbook in Excel
	my getNamedRanges() -- loads string values into global range names, e.g., gBilledByProvider and gOwedByPatient
		VBA equivalent:
		=IF(NOT(ISBLANK(Billed_by_Provider)), 'Personal Macro Workbook'!TotalOwedBill(Billed_by_Provider, Accept_Prime_Assignment, Allowed_by_Prime), "")
	set ifNotBlank to "=if (not isMissing(GetValue(GetCallerRow(), gBilledByProvider))) then " & return
	set elseBlank to return & "else" & return & "" & return & "end if" & return
	my setRangeFormula(ifNotBlank & "CumByCY(gDate, gType, \"D\", gOwedByPatient, R[-1]C)" & elseBlank, gCumMedPaidCY)

       -- etc
end calculateWorksheet

on setRangeFormula(theFormula, inRange)
	tell application "Microsoft Excel"		
		set thisRange to get range inRange of active sheet
		tell thisRange		
			repeat with r from 1 to count rows			
				set formula of row r to theFormula			
			end repeat		
		end tell	
	end tell
end setRangeFormula

on GetValue(inRow, rangeName)
	tell application "Microsoft Excel"
		set rng to my GetRange(rangeName)	
		tell rng to return contents of row inRow
	end tell
end GetValue

on GetRange(rangeName)
	tell application "Microsoft Excel"
		return (get range rangeName of active sheet)
	end tell
end GetRange

on GetCallerRow()
	tell application "Microsoft Excel"		
		tell active sheet
			-- return Application.Caller.Row   [VBA]
		end tell
	end tell
end GetCallerRow

I know that the GetCallerRow function is still not solved, as a matter of fact, I’m not sure if it is solvable in AppleScript. Nevertheless, let’s continue. My overall worksheet consists of 19 columns, with the first 6 consisting of user input text and numeric data. The remaining 13 columns consist of formulae that generate numeric results based on the info in the first 6 columns.

As I stipulated at the very top, I know that these formulae cannot be AppleScript formulae … so does anyone have any suggestions, such as iterate over all of the last 13 columns, one cell at a time. If I do that, speed wise I would need to wait big time.